Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. Also, it pays nothing. And that they work together to ensure their finances are solid and their bases are covered. My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. I work hard, so should you!” What I never realized is that these people who received financial help actually needed it. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. I’m a capitalist at heart. I wish I could start building my career now, but I would have to start at the bottom of any career after being out of the workforce for over 14 years. First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. Am I entitled to spousal support? Your email address will not be published. Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. If I’m not good at making money, I feel like I have to be good at lots of other things. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. I'm a college student with one more year to go. ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. These are difficult questions to answer. I will be worse off than when I started. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. There can be lots of reasons why one spouse is financially dependent on the other, they may have given up work to care for the children or be unable to work due to illness, or it may just be that their spouse earns a high income and it was agreed that the other did not have to work. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. Talk about a disaster. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. From an early age, I learned to see myself through the lense of self-sufficiency and strong work ethic. The purpose of this post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. Here’s how I’m wrapping my head around becoming financially dependent on my spouse. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. I am writing a novel. When I gave up my paycheck, I had a hard time separating my net worth from self-worth. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? (Duh!) You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. It's become unhealthy for me and for my daughter for her to always be around, what should I do? It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. Shirley says. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. The total value was over $300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. How much harder will it be for her to achieve them? If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. Who am I kidding? I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. Small snippets of time to write and focus. On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. Hi, I'm Jewels. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. This is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the household. They Control All Your Income. Just click here…. We are both 100% dependent on each other. It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. (For the record, there are also a lot of men in that same bucket. Even working spouses. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. And if I fail at these things? A fact that I am still grateful for. Being financially dependent on someone can be incredibly difficult. If a stay-at-home parent is not earning money they still need to be extremely vested in the family finances. What if a young girl has big dreams that cost money? But this isn't the case with men. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. I have more time now than I did when my boys were little. Is a stay-at-home mom in a worse financial place than a working one? I just didn’t realize it at the time. It may result in a paycheck someday, but it certainly not this week. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. I’m no different. If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? Your email address will not be published. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? Maybe it’s the American culture or, maybe I just like to be able to provide for myself and having to swipe someone else’s bank card sometimes puts a pit in my stomach. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? If he is financially inept, then I’m sure he is mentally, emotionally, and physically inept. I feel pretty worthless. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. I am financially dependent on my husband. Let alone reach FI alone? Most of us have little to no income. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. I spent many years focused on increasing my salary and saving. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. Don’t I seem like such a fun and funny person in this comment? They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. My husband saved more than half of that amount. I think my children greatly benefit from having me at home with them, and homeschooling is something that I am passionate about, but it doesn’t take away the feelings of shame and degradation over not being able to contribute something meaningful to the world, and help provide for my family. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. Who may claim the children as dependents on the tax return? When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. So I’ll try again. How much more will she need to depend on someone else to bridge the gap between the money she earns and the lifestyle she craves? We are having very different experiences. A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. My situation is unique. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. Technically my husband could hire someone to watch our children and take care of our home, but I can’t hire someone to earn money for me. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. Are You Financially Dependent On Your Spouse? Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. Being financially dependent should not mean being blind to the money situation. So it’s difficult to feel empowered if you don’t have any in your own name. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a stereotypical sexist relationship. by Sasha King December 3, 2013 December 3, 2013 174. Community Answer. In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. Abbey007. I’m not sure if I answered the question. Keep some money in your own name. I am so jealous of his position. But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. Our marriage is not 25/50 or even 50/50, but rather 100/100. The issue is not just about lacking income. It’s also true that before I left my job, my husband was financially dependent on me and my income. Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. I want to end my loveless marriage, but I am financially dependent My wife of 25 years takes me for granted and belittles me, but I don't think she would accept a split. Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. Being poor has never been appealing to me. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. Now I've become my husband's financial burden. People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. 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